A load of shit

In just a few long and drawn out weeks, I have lost a lot. I've lost things I never knew I could lose, things I never knew I had cared about so damn much. What's happened has happened, and I really have no where else to turn but to an online journal with faint hope that someone can lend some advice to me. I know I was depressed and frustrated with myself for a long time, and maybe this is all for the best whether or not I want to do this or not. I feel like I'm going to lose all ties with my son because she hates me so much. I'm afraid to do anything drastic with myself right now because I don't want to seem like I am just parting ways from my former life. I miss the comfort of coming home to them both, even if she didn't understand it at the time but I did. At first I was so damn unsure if I was ready to get married, I really was, and outside pressure was weighing heavy on me to point where I totally broke down in my car on my way home from work. I've been slipping since, but with a smile on my face for the sake of my son. I knew deep down she was doing something behind my back for months, I just never let myself believe it. I stopped sleeping with her, I stopped showing her any interest and ultimately I began to get bitter with her. All the signs were there at the time she was looking elsewhere for happiness, but I reacted in the worst possible way. I should have worked a little harder to show her how much I really and truly did love her, but I shouldn't have to do that for my wife, especially when I have felt for months her slipping away into someone else's hands, and I never knew exactly who's. It doesn't matter now, she's going to take Ethan away and torture me as long as she can, thats what she has been doing. I guess I tried to control her too much or maybe I didn't control her enough? She's been at this for a long time, and yet all I've done was be short and sometimes assy with her. I don't miss her for just being around, or for just being here it is and always will be much deeper than  that. She will never know, she will never understand, and she will never try to. All I can do now is try to pick up my life and carry on, in which ever direction this pain stops.
I wonder if she though I was seeing someone else? Maybe with my paranoid ass being so disconnected from her she thought I was seeing someone when I thought she was seeing someone? It's possible.
Oh, who the hell am I kidding, none of this can possibly be an option, she never loved me. She married a guy she didn't love and all this time I thought she'd be by my side through the worst. So in the end I'm the fool right? I thought all along my job and my admitably poor performance in school weren't enough and I beat myself up over it everyday and never tried to move forward with it. Self pitty can only go on so long. I look back what all I did, and how strongly I felt about my family I had, and I can't believe I never saw it all falling apart.

So I move on from here. Not going to pass the time with a girl, I won't feel right especially if I am married still.  I have to catch in my two classes from my heartbroken mind unable to think of anything useful.

I can't hate her, she is who she is, I wrongly accused her of cheating on me, and I feel horrible about it. I know her to be better than that. After the divorce I'm sure she'll go wild with it, she never got the chance to so I will have to get over that somehow too.

Whoever is out there still, in this dead fad of a website, enjoy the read, this is probably the last time I update. I'm done with looking back on my life and wondering what could have been.  I have a son. He is the most important thing now even if I don't get to see  him anymore and if she takes him away, I will always love him and be there for him. I wanted so badly to always be there, for both of them really, I just wanted to be proud of my family and proud that for once in my pathetic existence I did something right, that no one else ever really gets right. So I'm going to be that guy, that got dumped on his ass, and she's going to be the one headstrong and happy and do whatever she wants now.

They tell me I'm an amazingly good looking guy, they tell me I have everything a girl could dream of, but it doesn't help. No one has been able to break me out of this spell, hell even my family is sick of it. I don't know how long its going to take, but the bitterness has set in. And I think I have found that drive I needed in my life to push me forward, to keep me on my toes.
One day, I will work a regular job, sleep at night, and have a career I can actually be proud of and do great in. but nothing I will do will ever be just for me. it's for ethan also, and I will never become as selfish as she has. I will never beat myself up again one day I'll hold my head high and for once believe in myself.

One day.

Okay so now I think that If I am on a roll, then perpetually I shall roll on down the hill.  Yes, I have a physics class but no I am that stupid.  Look at it like this a smile is  simple thing right? No.  Not here.  Never.  It means a lot, and I mean a whole hella lot.  There's competetion here, and some fucking fierce competition it is.  I don't use pictures on myspace I dont try to stand out, I just get it done being me, which in all terms lacking originality, is very original.  Depressive? Maybe.  Gay? Pssh some wish.  Inconsiderate? I'm too giving  Obessesed with birds? Slightly.

Old Corey: FUCK FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK
New Corey: Nope I have a girlfriend.


I stared at holli's portait today.   Ew.   Why > because thats what I do , I fall totally and completely in love then out again.  Until I can find reslove in myself  I won't be relaxed.   I will find reslove, and I may hurt some people in the process.

Congradulate me, ah not too soon I haven't quite accepted it that well yet. I am still kinda between being stoked and not stoked about it all, but hey I need a life. I am going to that book of mine published finally. I had all those teachers in giving me wild approval so I guess it's about time I get it out there. The title is still tenative but it's called "An Argument To Ignorance" and I am still working on the follow up called " An Argument To Arrogance". Saying I am working on it means I am spending my lazy time on something productive for once. I have read almost three books this weekend ( almost meaning like half assed with the third one) and I have gotten about nine new parts of my new book written. Here's an exerpt:
"Fuck you, you fucking fuck! What the fuck man! Fuck you fucking don't know man! Ah! You fucking fucker!"

yeah, intense I know.



Yeah I know, I look like a gay guy don't I? Good now I can lead everyone on.

I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I created

And I swear to god
I've found myself
In the end

In the end

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

Whatever you believe in, bring it to me

Whatever you feel may be right, You stole it from me

These lies we're only for you to believe,

The truth I tell you patches you before you bleed,

Before she gets the tear out, Can she get that last breath?

No! She just gets strangles with what she thinks is me,

If she escapes here alive soon down the road I'm sure she will die,

Whatever you believe in, bring it to me

Whatever you may feel be right, you stole it rom me

She will, She will, take every fucking thing and run away,

She will take it all in and cry her hate away,

Don't fucking let her run Corey, Don't let her fall in love...

Take her fucking right to be alive,

Take away everything and just leave her life,

Give the girl the gun, You tell her what to do and she will take her own life,

What you belive in bring it to me,

Whatever you feel may be right, you fucking stole it from me

These lies we're only for you to belive,

The truth I tell you patches you up before I make you .....

Before she can breathe, Can you really make her belive,

If she escapes from here, Don't let her get far,

How far are you willing to go?

Killing her off is killing the fear that resides in my mind

Killing her off is killing the fear that resides in my mind,

Killing her off is killing the fear that resides in my mind,

Killing her off, is riding myself of this new life,

Killing her off, is ending my unborn's promising life,

She will know my name, She will make it to see the light...

Hello Beastie!! Arggggggh!! Oh look at me I'm Orlando Bloom, fuck me Keira!

I have seen Pirates of the Carribean 3 times now. I still fucking love it.


I've been going down a dark depressing path for a while now. No more tan Corey or well kept, I have been pretty bad off and hopefully it will all be either lifted or addresed soon.

The more I think about it the more I just wanna be everywhere and see everything in the world.


I just wanna do something that matters.

"Corey, you must reserve your sexy, and all flops are not made equal." I think he was high. Nontheless he is right on.

Expect the unexpected, but praise me for standing my ground this time. This is it, my teenage life is over. Just a few days after my mom saying she was proud of her son for the first time.... I know in the coming days those words she will take back. I don't like this, not one bit. Everything I knew is gone, that future has been thrown out. I don't wanna talk about it, but I figured this would help get it off my chest. I can't stomach the words to describe my condition.

With the lights out it's a little less dangerous
Even with a stranger never gets painless
Don't be afraid (afraid, afraid)

Every time I think I'm gonna change it (think I'm gonna change it, think I'm gonna change it)
It's driving me (driving me) insane (insane)
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)

Do you live, do you die, do you bleed
For the fantasy
In your mind, through your eyes, do you see
It's the fantasy

Maybe tonight we can forget about it all
It could be just like heaven
I am a machine
No longer living, just a shell of what I dreamed
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)

Do you live, do you die, do you bleed
For the fantasy
In your mind, through your eyes, do you see
It's the fantasy

Say it, say it, say what you believe
Say it, say it, say it to me

Do you live, do you die, do you bleed
For the fantasy
Automatic, I imagine, I believe

Do you live
Do you die
Do you bleed
For the fantasy

Do you live, do you die, do you bleed
For the fantasy
In your mind, through your eyes, do you see
It's the fantasy
Automatic, I imagine, I believe
Automatic, I imagine, I believe

Say it, say it, say what you believe
(Automatic, I imagine, I believe)
Say it, say it, say it to me
(Automatic, I imagine, I believe)
Say it, say it, say what you believe
(Automatic, I imagine, I believe)
Say it, say it, say it to me
Automatic, I imagine, I believe
I believe, I believe, I believe